I went to the pet shop and

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.

A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’

The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.

The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’

Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.

The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate,

I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’

The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my bloody shoes on’