The Seven Stages of the Married Cold: A husband’s reactions to his wife’s colds during seven years of marriage. The seven stages are as follows:
Stage 1: Sugar Dumpling, I’ve really been worried about my baby girl. That’s a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep that’s going around. I’m going to put you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the food’s terrible, but I’m going to bring you dinner every night from Rossini’s. I have it all arranged with the floor supervisor.
Stage 2: Listen, Darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’m going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl just for Papa.
Stage 3: Maybe you’d better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?
Stage 4: Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids, and gotten the dishes done, and the floor mopped, you’d better lie down for a while.
Stage 5: Why don’t you take a couple of aspirins?
Stage 6: Why don’t you just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening?
Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me? Are you trying to give me pneumonia?