Half of us are going to come

* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

* Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit shorts will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* Homeschooling is going well 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

* I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat It was obvious she thought her cat understood her I came into my house, told my dog… we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine… will the producers of “My 600 Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal I have no clue how this place is still in business.

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage What should I wear?

* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyards I’m getting tired of Los Living room.

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”… I’m offended.

* Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.